Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Piranha 3D

Literally Reviewed by the Man Himself, Alan Trehern

You probably remember this horror/comedic/softcore porn film coming out in 2010. Well, if you've ever seen a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, then you have seen this movie. If you've seen any crappy teen horror movie in the past ten years, then you've seen this movie. The only thing worth watching in this movie is the gruesome attack of the piranha on completely inept spring break tourists...and possibly Doc Brown.

Piranha (2010)
Directed by Alexandre Aja
Starring Kelly Brook (Ed. Note: meow!) and some other people

I initially wanted to see this movie in 3D, since it coincided with my usual requirements for a movie worthy of the 3D price: lots of violence, boobs, blatant pandering to the 3D audience, and boobs. Of course, I'm over-exaggerating; I'm not a sexist pig, but the people who made this film sure are. I've never really seen such degradation and complete disregard for strong female roles in any film ever. There was probably one strong female character, and even she eventually stripped down to a wife-beater. **signs off on NOW civil suit papers**

Where's Stallone when you need him!?
Plot
Main thing to know is that a beer can creates a huge fissure underwater that unleashes a Captain D's size load of man-flesh hungry piranha. Why are they so mad? Well, apparently they've been cooped up underwater for millions of years without any sunlight. And if science class has taught me anything, any creature trapped underwater with no sunlight and only its kin to feed on for millions of years evolves into a killing machine that has perfect vision and attack accuracy and only wants to feed on the meat of a species that didn't exist millions of years ago anyway.

Nudity and violence ensues...

Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) comes in at some point and reveals the twist ending, which is pretty hilarious. SEQUEL!

Characters
Your generic teenager who doesn't care about his brother and sister teams up with a Girls Gone Wild-esque director as "location adviser". His mother is the town sheriff, and there are some porn stars or something like that. Bottom line: sh*t gets real when the fish come aboard!

The animal-on-human violence in this film is clearly CG-fake, but it's just the way people are killed in this that makes you turn your head and say, "Wow, I never want to die like that..." At one point, a taut cable snaps around and perfectly slices through a party girl, who loses her bikini top, looks down at what has happened, then falls apart. Oh, and her top half falls into the water, so any brain activity left is spent drowning/being eaten by piranhas.

"Hey, you guys know where I can get a bite around here?"
Final Thoughts
If you get queasy/offended/scurvy at the sight of graphic mutilation or horrendously unnecessary nudity, then this is far from your type of movie. But if you enjoy terrible monster movies like Bearshark or Dinoctopus*, and you've always wanted more graphic mutilation and horrendously unnecessary nudity, than Piranha 3D is exactly what you're looking for. And if you're in it to see the acting chops of Riley Steele, don't expect ANY lines of dialogue.

*Not real movies...at least I don't think so.

3 comments:

Punnin Tended said...

I think you came off too hard on this film.

Just Got It said...

AHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Wait...


That's vulgar!

Ben Pearson said...

Solid review - haven't seen the movie, but I can tell you had fun with this one.