Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Assault Girls/Terror of Mechagodzilla

Discovering the Titanosaurus with Alan Trehern

Greetings, Ben's Movie Reviews fans! Before I start this double-review of two Japanese films, I want to remind you of the destruction, heartache and fear that grips Japan right now. No society should be subject to this sort of natural disaster, and we should do as much as we can to help.
Those who want to help can go to www.redcross.org and donate to Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami. People can also text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to help those affected by the earthquake in Japan and tsunami throughout the Pacific.
Let's jump to the reviews...

Seriously, who the hell made this thing?

Assault Girls (2009)
Original Title: Asaruto gâruzu
Directed by Mamoru Oshii
Starring Yoshikazu Fujiki, Rinko Kikuchi and Meisa Kuroki

Okay, so I was really pumped about this movie. Trehern was first on the scene here at Ben's Movie Reviews when I reported on the trailer for this film. I think I was quoted as saying,
"What we would call a weekly event on the SciFi channel here in America is what the Japanese call an epic period piece. I'm pretty sure dragons roamed the lands of Japan long before men were men, and woman were gun toting black angels. Oh yes, you heard me right, this film claims to contain every cliché in the book: flying dragons with no means of flight, the girl from Brothers Bloom sporting some 1920s derby hat in the 2200s, some guy wearing a Yankees hat, and of course the montage of super-futuristic weaponry set to super-futuristic Japanatechnetronica/folk music."
The trailer is waaay better than the movie. Believe me. You'll have more fun watching the trailer than watching this terrible, painfully dreadful film that is so hashed together with repeating material, bad overdubbing and nature shots of snails that you end up saying "What the f*ck just happened?" about sixteen times.

First off, the movie starts with a 15 minute Windows Movie Maker slideshow of the events leading up to the film. With some ongoing drivel about international economies and the status quo, we're finally told that this movie takes place in a virtual reality RPG called Avalon (f). Consider me surprised when I realize that 90% of the film's dialogue is spoken in this pre-film rambling slideshow! "AHHHH!!!!!" I said to myself. Then the credits roll.

Yeah, the credits...

"Hey, you're watching Assault Girls!"

The girls: ready to assault anything that resembles a storyline...

They follow that with some Super Smash Brothers freeze-frame action scenes, and the Dune sand-snakes start attacking. And then boring shots of the barren Avalon (f) landscape. There's that snail again! 20 minutes later you might see a gun get fired, or a sand-snake die, but none of the intense or fast-paced material you see in the trailer...

"Hey buddy, go somewhere else for content." - translated from heavy mouthbreathing

Assault Girls is a ridiculously boring and unintelligent film. Faux-Literally, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. At one point, you can't even hear what the characters are saying because they have masks on. No one thought that the audience might like hearing what the f*ck is going on?!? And then, mid-film, they start speaking Japanese!!! The English over-dubbers got so fed up with the quality of this dumpster rental, they checked out halfway through. Ignore this film.

And now, BONUS REVIEW!!!!!!!

Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)
Original Title: Mekagojira no Gyakushū
Director Ishirô Honda
Starring Katsuhiko Sasaki, Tomoko Ai and Akihiko Hirata

Being the 15th installment in the Godzilla franchise, I felt like I was a little lost. Apparently, this was the second film to feature Mechagodzilla, who has now been rebuilt by aliens from the third planet of the black hole (SPOILER ALERT!!). First off, how does a planet exist near a black hole? Anybody? Someone?? COBRA Commander.
Uhhhh, IT'S. A. BLACK. HOLE!!!! A collapsed star!!! Gravity is compressing itself into nothing!!! How the hell does a planet form and support life when the sun has ACTUALLY fallen unto itself??? Oprah must have written this script!!

Good one, COBRA. But seriously, this movie was fun to watch. A lot more fun than
Assault Girls (see above). But the thing to remember with Godzilla movies is that the monster fights aren't until the end, so you have to wade through dramatic science fiction with the human characters, like Asian Colonel Sanders.

"I say, I say, I say, SOMEBODY BELIEVE ME!"

Mr. Sanders lost his job because everyone thought he was crazy for trying to prove the existence of an underwater dinosaur. No, not Godzilla, another underwater dinosaur. His theory was even crazier than Godzilla! No one believed a guy about an extinct dinosaur even when the last 14 films have chronicled the attacks of groups of pre-historic monsters.

So Asian Colonel Sanders gets back at the human race by siding with the black hole aliens. Sanders' daughter can control Titanosaurus (the underwater dinosaur) with her mind. I think. I don't know, I got really lost. There are two cops, looking for... something... And then the daughter can control Mechagodzilla with her mind now too? Errrgghhh...

Mechagodzilla's Rainbow Ray results in very high toy sales...

Don't think too hard about this film. The monster fight is what it's all about, and that was pretty fantastic. Just the time and effort it takes to build these small models and then have your creations blown up and stomped on just takes some real talent and composure. Plus, it reminds me of the old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Those Zord battles haven't changed since 1975.

Would I recommend this to anyone? Not anybody I know, but there's no surprise there. Keep your eyes glued to NJNM for more March Movies. Meanwhile, I'm gonna keep chasing those dreams, just like Asian Colonel Sanders! If you're looking for a digestible Godzilla movie, check out the MST3K version: Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)

GoogleVideo used to have the entire film, but not anymore.

1 comment:

Ben Pearson said...

I had a feeling Assault Girls would be terrible. For your sake, I was obviously hoping that wasn't the case, but sorry to hear it blew.