Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Friday the 13th: The Series Review!

Returning to Crystal Lake Way Too Often with Alan Trehern

If you come to NotJustNewMovies for good movie reviews, you may wanna go ahead and avoid this installment in the Spooktacular Shocktoberfest Big Horror Movie Scare-A-Thon.  If you enjoy slashers, gashers and bloody thrashers, then the Friday the 13th series is for you!  Zip up your janitor jumpsuit, tighten that horrifically mauled hockey mask and machete your way to adventure with NJNM's COMPLETE JASON MOVIE OMNIBUS REVIEW !!!!

Friday the 13th: Parts 1 and 2
Directed by Sean S. Cunningham (and Steve Miner)
Starring Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King and "Stabby" Bacon
Episode 85:Friday the 13th: Parts 1 and 2  
The boys on the NJNM Podcast do an adequate job of discussing and dissecting the first two films.  While the first two films may be a great time at the movies, every movie after them are either gimmicks or horrible car wrecks that you could totally leave the room during.

Friday the 13th: Part III
Directed by Steve Miner
Starring no one in particular...

Now the gimmicks start!  Miner, I suppose, inherited the series, and although he probably thought that was a blessing at the time, he took it and basically choked it out and stuffed it into his trunk.  Part III used the age-old technology of 3D back when it wasn't hacky to do it yet (SPOILER ALERT: It was.).  Jason, leaving the greater Crystal Lake area for some reason, makes ends meet by gutting any teens that may cross his path.  Especially ones that like to camp out in barns.  And ones that carry around hockey masks, that's an important quality as well.    Before killing his victims, however, Jason hovers his weapon right in front of their eyes, hoping they realize that this is coming right at them, and then he drops them hanging from the rafters.  No clue as to why the ending to this movie happened, but SPOILER ALERT Miss Voorhees comes back with head attached, never to be seen again!

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Directed by Joseph Zito
Starring Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover

If you thought Part III was fun, then wait until you experience the rip-roarin good time in The Final Chapter.  Hah, just kidding, dweebs, this one's awful.  Corey Feldman is a child in a movie (terrible plot point) who's staying with his family near Crystal Lake while his sister's friends (maybe?) stay in a nearby cabin.  Jason is back, and starts killing everybody.  No surprise here.  Some strange fellow starts lurking around, and everyone thinks HE'S the killer.  I guess no one subscribes to the Crystal Lake Letter, where there is an ENTIRE DAILY SECTION dedicated to the murders Jason has committed.  Why do people still frequent this camp?!  Does the well water taste like McRibs or something??!  Long story short, Jason kills everybody, but is then killed by, yep you guessed it, the kid.  Hacks him in the head right good with an ax.  Then we're suppose to believe that Corey Feldman (yes, the Corey Feldman) is the new Jason Voorhees....

...I may have just thrown up in my mouth.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
Directed by Danny Steinmann
Starring, again, no one I care about...

Part IV leaves off with Feldman killing Jason with an ax to the head.  While possessing the hockey mask, which has really only been featured in two movies so far (bring back the pillow case!), Tommy has grown up with the cruel memories of that fateful night at Crystal Lake...

There is a dream sequence where we think Jason comes back to life, but not really, haha, because that would make sense.  Instead, the filmmakers pull a Halloween III: The Seven Seasons Itch and don't feature the main serial killer.  Well, at least not directly.  Someone is using the mask to kill a bunch of people.  We all think it's Tommy, but it's not; by the end, though, it looks like Tommy might be the new Jason [insert Power Ranger joke here...].

This movie blew taint, friends, so stay clear.  We aren't having much luck in this department.  But we must dredge on!

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
Directed by Tom McLoughlin
Starring the bottom of the barrel...or lake...depending on your capacity for humor.

Alright, Parts III-V are hollow, but this one I actually really enjoyed.  Perhaps it was because Jason comes back to life (!) and starts mauling people for no reason.  Actually, scratch that, these people bust their way into Crystal Lake even when they GD know that Jason lurks around there.  So, yeah, Jason, kick those asses!

There's a cop who comedically denies that Jason is alive again, and doesn't realize it until the very end (of course).  Also, children at a camp being threatened by Jason!  What more could you ask for!?  They're bringing f*cking children to Crystal Lake now!!!

The climax of the film happens when Tommy figures out that you have to send Jason BACK into the lake by tying him to a huge boulder until he drowns.  Simple as that.  I think there might have been an old tome that contained this secret; who knows?  Check this one out, though!

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Directed by John Carl Buechler
Starring Kane Hodder!

Ugh!  With a film directed by a guy named John Carl Buechler (presumably pronounced "belcher"), you know it's probably gonna hock farts.  So much so, it doesn't deserve a review...NEEEXXXXTTTT!!!!

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Directed by Rob Hedden
Starring Kane Hodder!

Now this is my bread and butter!  In my review of Jason Goes to Hell (see below), I mention the possible idea of Jason mauling the customers at Famous Original Ray's Pizza.  It's hilarious to think about, but then again, I'm not writing these scripts.  Instead, we get a movie where half of the time is spent NOT TAKING MANHATTAN!!

A bunch of kids graduating from high school go on a sh*tty cruise with Jason climbing on board.  We assume the cruise sets sail from New Jersey, because that's where Crystal Lake is...but no.  These f*ckers are somewhere in Fiji (not really) or gods-know where else!

Eventually, after a Titanic-esque shipwreck, they paddle boat from Fiji to NYC.  This is where the movie starts to suck even harder.  There's a fight in the sewer system, where toxic waste JUST HAPPENS to flow every night at midnight...  Toxic.  Waste.  Is there that much TOXIC waste in this city that it requires a flush every night?

In any case, Jason gets washed by the toxic waste, which turns him back into a child.  And the "heroes" allow that child to drown in said toxic waste.  No one wins.

Friday the 13th: Jason Goes to Hell
Directed by Adam Marcus
Starring Kane Hodder!

In what I thought was perfect canon is actually a film that has nothing to do with the first 8 installments.  When I reviewed it one year ago (see above), I thought I had missed out on all the mythos and history of Jason and the Voorhees family.  Other than the toxic waste stained mask, no link whatsoever.

Which means there are more movies to make between Parts VIII and IX, where Jason is found somewhere in the sewer system, and raised as a killer to don the mask once again.  Blah, who am I kidding!?  This was the Final Friday for a reason.  I've yet to watch Jason X (800 years in the future) or Freddy vs. Jason (Hollywood eating itself).  Because I can't handle much more disappointment...

Friday the 13th: Parts I and II:  We Should Probably Stop Here

1 comment:

Ben Pearson said...

Dedication, sir. I admire it.