Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Jason Goes to Hell

Defending the Net with Alan Trehern

Poor hockey jokes aside, here we are again for another installment in the Spooktacular Shocktoberfest Big Horror Movie Scare-A-Thon. And as most of you are starting to figure out, ole Alan Trehern here loves a good sh*tty movie. And this famous (?) ninth installment in the Friday the 13th franchise is no exception. Will terrible acting, cock-eyed storylines and gruesome face-melting scenes put this Jason tromp onto the shelf of great bad movies?  We shall see...

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (Friday the 13th IX)
Driected by Adam Marcus
Starring John D. LeMay, Kari Keegan and Kane Hodder (briefly)

The film begins with some hot chick returning to the famous Crystal Lake camp site that brought Jason out of the water and into our hearts. Cause that's where he decided to stab you... Anyway, she gets naked and takes a shower, and this of course lures out Jason in all his custodial jumpsuit-wearing, machete-slashing and heavy breathing glory. BUT IT'S A SETUP!!!!  WATCH OUT JASON!!!

With Jason surrounded, the FBI/Marines/mercs take him down with a couple of missile drops and mad weaponry. With high-fives all around, they take his severed head and body parts to the morgue, where Doctor Loves to Eat His Patients works alone during the autopsy. That's your first mistake, fella. Jason's heart starts beating, and when the doctor starts eating it, the Jason tape worms enters his system. JASON'S BACK!!!

NOTE: For those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about, those were my thoughts for the first hour or so.

The movie continues with Jason switching from body to body trying to find a female Voorhees to give birth to him again. And there's this guy who Panther Joe called "Varsity Jacket" 
(Panther watched the first hour or so with me), who meanders around looking for thrills in all the wrong places, even dropping off some college kids at Crystal Lake so they's can get killed.  Eventually, Jason gets birthed again through his dead sister, complete with mask and jumpsuit.  Then he goes to Hell.  Credits roll.
A tender moment between killer and victim...
I think I would have enjoyed this movie a lot more had I seen Parts II-VIII. Seriously, who doesn't want to see Jason slashing away customers at Original Ray's Pizza in Jason Take Manhattan? Exactly. So my unfamiliarity with the characters and what had transpired thus far is my fault, not the movie's.  Having said that, I'm going to complain that the movie title itself advertises one thing, and the audience gets something COMPLETELY different.

Your title specifically states: JASON GOES TO HELL. Even from my days as a child seeing this horrific VHS cover in the local video store, my mind had/has me seeing Jason in Hell, hacking up demons and hallucinating and what not, trying to get back to the Earth to kill some more people.  This, of course, leads to the climatic battle with the Devil, which Jason obviously wins, making him ruler of Hell.  THEN he comes back to the real world and hacks up everybody with the peace of mind that, "Hey, if I'm backed into a corner or something, I have hordes of hell-spawn to come and back me up!" Credits roll.

That's not what happens.  Instead, we get some terrible over-acting, a couple good death scenes, and more questions than answers...And a twist ending that sets up a movie that won't be released for 10 years (SPOILER ALERT!).

Are you there Coherent Storyline? It's me, Jason.
Final Thoughts
When Netflix decides to get up off their asses and start streaming the movies I particularly want to see, I'll have to wait before I can truly judge Jason Goes to Hell as part of the greater franchise.  It was fun, stupid and sometimes tongue-in-cheek, and I'm gonna give it props for that.  But don't go in thinking you're going to see something great like the original Friday the 13th (one of the best endings in movies, I'd say) or The Burning.  If I were to rate it on a scale of 1 to 5 "unnecessary magical daggers", I'd give it a 2.

BONUS: AVGN reviews the Friday the 13th NES game, a Trehern favorite!

1 comment:

Ben Pearson said...

Weak sauce on the "not being set entirely in hell" thing. I had the same thoughts as you when I was a kid and saw that VHS cover at Blockbuster.