Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Class of Nuke 'Em High

Getting Expelled with Alan Trehern

In my continuing quest to top the last crappy horror movie I reviewed, I think I've succeeded with this B-movie flick from the 1980s.  Now doctors have tried to diagnose me with a severe case of crapo cinesadism, but I like to see my life glass as half full, if that makes any sense.  Oh wait, it doesn't?  Well, neither does this movie.  But that doesn't mean it isn't fun!!!!

Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)
Directed by Richard W. Haines, Michael Herz and Samuel Weil
Starring Janelle Brady (Heeelllloooo nurse.), Gil Brenton and some other people

While some may see this as a terribly corny and horribly edited teen horror comedy, others may call it a brilliant film with tons of jokes, plenty of gross deaths and messages about drugs and nuclear power.  Both arguments are valid.  As the story goes, Tromaville High School has just recently got a new neighbor: a nuclear power plant.  While the plant's operator and his propaganda claim that nuclear power is clean and safe, the lackluster OSHA requirements of the plant's workers and their methods result in abandoned barrels of toxic waste, leaking toxic vapors and mutated marijuana plants.

This guy stole my homecoming date a day before the dance...respect.
Meanwhile, a group of honor students have mutated into Cretins, harassing the other students and administrators at the school.  Their greatest achievement?  Turning the hot German teacher into one of their dominatrix side-kicks.  Nice job.  Some of the power plant's nuclear waste starts leaking into the school in some form or another, causing majorly heinous and grotesque side effects.  Most of the kids are oblivious to the danger, as are most of the adults.  Warren and Chrissy, though, have released something even more revolting, however: mutated offspring.

Just a run-of-the-mill between class orgy, that's all folks.  Move along.
The quality of this film is hilariously awful.  As a quasi-unprofessional movie reviewer (or whatever this is I do), I've seen some abhorrent films; some that are just plain bad (Vampire Bikini Beach), others that are hyped as good but are just wet farts (Black Swan...haha, suck it.).  Nuke 'Em High wants you to think it's terrible...that's the whole point!  The creators wanted to tell a ridiculously funny tale about radiation and teenage sex drive mixed with a monster/horror movie.  The small quirky things in this film really sell the thing, and it gives a better perspective on the high school experience than The Breakfast Club could ever imagine doing.  Just kidding, but that movie's not so great either.

In any case, SEE THIS MOVIE!  We need to talk about it!  We need to laugh about it!  We should watch it twice!  It's fun, it's crappy, it's just a great time.  If you come back complaining about it, then dude, you might be a square.  Don't be a square.  It's totally not radical.

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