Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Jaws 3

I know, I know: this is getting ridiculous. The quality of films that I've seen so far this month has been pretty dismal (with a couple of exceptions). I'm sad to say that this post and the following post won't improve the quality factor in any way.

The following is all you need to see to grab the general gist of this film.

(P.S. - Watch the first 30-35 seconds, then wait until the whole thing has loaded and skip ahead to the :45 second mark. You owe it to yourself.)

There IS one piece of information that slightly redeems what you've just seen. The original theatrical title for this film was Jaws 3-D, and the tagline was "The third dimension is terror." This implies, of course, that what we've just seen is nowhere near as cool as the 3-D effect in the theater would have been to the audiences way back in 1983. However, relying on 3-D effects alone absolutely cannot save a horrifically acted, horrendously conceptualized, poorly executed train wreck of a film. Joe Alves gave it his all in the only movie he ever directed. He came up short of anything other than a moderately entertaining piece of crap.

The cast in this movie was almost as pitiful as the storyline. At SeaWorld, a new section of the park is about to open. Mike, the engineer who designed the new addition, happens to be the oldest son of Roy Schneider's (the cop in the first movie) Brody character, and his younger brother John comes to town to visit him and his girlfriend. After John meets a water-skier who works for the park, the foursome must fend off a great white shark that has infiltrated the park before its killing spree gets out of control. Of course, as is the case with nearly every shark film I've ever seen, it's not just one shark: The big mama/daddy shark shocks everyone when it makes its appearance. Haven't these characters seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon? Crikey. (Author's Note: I'm well aware that Megalodon was not available in 1983, but it SHOULD have been.) Throw in the British TV News Superstar who wants to film the whole thing instead of just KILLING THE F-ING SHARK, and you've got yourself one heck of a plot. Dennis "Dragonheart" Quaid plays Mike, some joker who couldn't act his way into Knock Off plays John, and Lea Thompson (the mom in the Back to the Future franchise) is the water-skiing bimbo who gets quasi-naked in the water with a guy she met earlier that same night. (Sigh.) What a classic.

Normally, I like to give at least a LITTLE depth to these reviews by throwing in commentary about what I think the director was trying to accomplish, cinematography, etc. but this movie just doesn't lend itself to analyzation in any capacity. If you're looking for further information on this film, just watch the clip above again and you'll realize that you shouldn't be. Until next time...

1 comment:

Dennis quaid said...

Seriously, did I take the key out of that grenade with a hook and string? What was I thinking. Good thing I became popular again with Parent Trap and coining the affliction "man-orexia". Those pools can be a bitch.