Thursday, May 27, 2010

Top 5 Movies That Will Never Ever Get Made...Ever

Welcome, Not Just New Movie-goers to another Trehern-ified installment at Ben's Movie Reviews. I came up with the idea for this post recently because I fell into a deep depression, regretting that my life is in an uncontrollable spin towards nothingness because the following movies will **allegedly** NEVER be made. HEY! Who put that "allegedly" in here? Damn lawyers...
http://www.sparth.com/gallery/albums/userpics/dune-def-01-small.jpg
5. "Chapterhouse: Heretic Children of the Emperor Messiah of Dune" or "Dune II": Many of you...ahem, excuse me...up to three of you probably saw my review of the 1984 David Lynch sci-fi epic Dune. As epically confusing as it was, I'm pretty depressed that there is not enough spice in the whole Spacing Guild to get Lynch's Dune II to hit screens. Don't get me wrong, there has been a slew of television shows, computer games and literary sequels to the original six books by Frank Herbert, but only in an alternate dimension will D. Lynch come out and create a direct sequel to the original Dune. For now, it'll just have to live on as an awesome mind#$*%.
File:Funeral of Superman.jpg
4. The Death and Return of Superman: Based on the famous graphic novel, the death of Earth's mightiest hero took the world by storm in the early 1990s. But with the troubles surrounding the Siegel/Shuster family and WB **allegedly** losing the rights to produce a Superman film after 2013, there is no chance on Apokolips that this epic saga will be told cinematically. Can you imagine how many Superman movies have to be made to establish a status quo allowing the Man of Steel to perish and have four other Supermen take his place? People would freak out! Too bad...I was really hoping to see Shaq re-don his metal tights for the role of Steel...I'd even allow Shia LeBeouf to play Superboy. The honorable Dan Jurgens to direct. [The Trehern Superman Movie Timeline (Pre-Production)]
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3. Star Trek XI: With the creation of the alternate Abrams universe (in Star Trek), the original movies and timelines are being quickly dismissed and will inevitably be forgotten, like the colonial times. Whatever happened back then anyway? The Roddenberry universe will live on in books I'm sure, but for a time, 10 Star Trek movies existed in specific chronological order spanning over a fictional century [1]. Even the Bond movies haven't accomplished that! Regrettably, Star Trek XI will never be considered by any Hollywood executive...EVER. It doesn't help that Scotty, Sarek and McCoy are all dead.
2. Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money: Referenced by Yogurt in the classic Mel Brooks film, I have a bad feeling that this off-handed sequel wouldn't even go down well with Pizza the Hut. The idea that such a perfectly executed sci-fi/comedy could be followed up with something even approaching an equal installment is an insult to Mel Brooks and everything he stood for. What? He's not dead yet? What is he, a two-thousand year old man?? Plus, John Candy died, so there wouldn't be any Barf. I can't say the same for my lap if I ever hear they're making this.
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1. Castlevania: The Movie: Man, I've had the idea to make a really sweet Castlevania movie ever since I thought about making movies. The NES game was so spooky and chock-full of action that a movie was the next logical step for the franchise [2]. Simon Belmont fighting Count Dracula with a bullwhip in 1691? Bitchin'! Alas, this movie can only be made 25 years ago. Yep, the famed Castlevania series of movies, to me, could only succeed to reach their true potential if they were made with the camera work and silent emptiness of 1980s horror films. The closest parallel to the feel and look of a true Castlevania movie would have to be Don Coscarelli's Phantasm II.

Further, the way the vampire and classic monster genre has been gayed up to pander to glitter-covered high school shmucks is a real shame to monster movies...and movies in general. Thankfully, Trehern is here to rescue the day with the fifth installment to The Inter-Dimensional Travels of the Triforce 20. Featuring Ed "Tripp" Turner as the Belmont-archetype, Episode V: The Man Who Kills is basically Trehern writing a Castelvania story but just changing the names.


And with that, this Top 5 list concludes its rampage on Ben's Movie Reviews. And just so the world knows, Trehern uses his infallible opinion to write for The Solar Sentinel, the only inter-dimensional newspaper you need in a world that will NEVER make these movies. Make comments for additions to this list, but I'm pretty sure I got them all covered.

[1] For those of you who knock
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home for being utterly stupid, of the 10, it had the highest North American grossing. Boom. America wins. [Wikipedia.com <-not a reliable financial source.]

[2] For an even better analysis of the
Castlevania video game series, check out the Angry Video Game Nerd's omnibus dedicated to the franchise. [Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4]

6 comments:

Ben Pearson said...

Hate to crap on your number one spot, but...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0488982/

Buzz Killington said...

That looks pretty sketch...you may have just been bamboozled.

Buzz Killington's father, Buzzard Y. Killington said...

Star Trek blows and we don't need another one!

Alan Trehern said...

Luckily for you, Buzzard, that movie is on the list, therefore, your wish of the non-existence of that movie is infallibly true.

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