Friday, March 30, 2012

Top 5 Awesome Movie Houses

Squatting in Fictional Abodes with Alan Trehern

Ya smell that? **breathes in** That's spring, baby! And in the spring I like to dust off the old Top 5 tome (it's leatherbound...jealous?) and add another riveting installment that makes it all the more readable. And since spring usually brings spring cleaning, wouldn't it be wonderful to spring clean your dream house? That doesn't sound like much of a chore, now does it?

Unfortunately, the houses I want to live in exist only in the imagination, because the following dream houses are only acceptable if I'm also living in the movie they're associated with. The real worlds sucks, my dude. So take a ride with me on my inter-dimensional golf cart as we showcase the best in cinematic real estate!

5. The Apartment in 3 Days of the Condor
This was an interesting choice, considering I wanted an apartment on the list. I thought about all the big city movies: Dick Tracy, The Shadow, You've Got Mail... And I couldn't recall any badass hangout spots. Then I remembered the small, almost invisible apartment that Redford hides out in while trying to escape in Condor. Nestled somewhere under a building and right next to a Chinese grocery store, this 2-bedroom, 1-bath has a ground-level city view along with a near-windowless living room that will call to your inner mob boss.
Asking Price: An Explanation of the Plot, or one Faye Dunaway

4. Hogwarts Castle, from Harry Potter
The only argument I feel I would get for this entry is that it's at #4.  Regardless of how you feel it should be ranked, Hogwarts comes with waaaay to much responsibility.  Landscaping?  Monsters in the forest?  Thousands of British children who live with you for the better part of a year?  Awesome as it is, Hogwarts Castle offers more investment than payoff, so I may pass on this one.  With numerous bedrooms and a kitchen controlled by elves, it may only be a vacation home or a time-share.
Asking Price: You and three generations' life-long income

3. House from E.T. The Extra Terrestrial
For any of you that grew up watching this movie, or any Amblin classic, you know that these movies have a certain feel that words rarely can describe.  Is it the simplicity that becomes extraordinary overnight?  Is it the late-night card games with flashlight inspections of the backyard?  Is it that local public school with the frog problem?  Or is it my childhood calling to me?  Whatever the answer is, this house is definitely on my wish list.
Asking Price: Any info leading to the capture of ET

2.  House from Home Alone
Here's another nostalgic throwback, this time outside Chicago, IL instead of somewhere in California.  The McAllister's 3-floor (don't forget about the attic!) mansion is right down the road from The Breakfast Club high school, and only a hop-skip-and jump from Papa Frye's Ferrari garage. Yes, I am assuming all John Hughes movies take place in the same universe (has anyone figured out if this is the same house from Planes, Trains and Automobiles?  Get some scientists on that!).  So move some monies around, contact your Swiss bank and think about purchasing this time-looped temptation.
Asking Price: A 12-pack of Pepsi

1.  The Ranch in The Parent Trap
This is the home that inspired this article.  The extravagant, northern California ranch owned by Mitch Evers in The Parent Trap (1961) has wonderful views of the mountains, brisk and open walkways, plenty of stuff made of solid stone, and a pool area built around a big lake.  You have a huge courtyard area for dining, field hands for bossing, and hot Irish ladies from the 1950s.

The catch?  It's allll fake.  Disney owned some property and set up a house shell for the exterior shots.  All the interiors of the house were on some sound stage.  F you, movie magic!!!  My whole plan in life was to get filthy rich and BUY THIS HOUSE!!!  GRRRROOOOOAAAAANNNNN!!!

Ahem.  In any case, 5-bed, 4-bath, blah blah blah....I guess I'll buy the Home Alone house and try to be happy.  Wait, what?  The school district lines have me going to Nuke 'Em High?  Ugh, this blows...

The lesson today is that there's no use wishing you lived in a movie, because sometimes it never turns out exactly the way you want it to.  Movies are magical for a reason; because it's something we can only dream about.  But that doesn't mean we can't happily dream!

**rides off on Falkor toward the Ivory Tower**

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